I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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