theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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