I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
