my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
