Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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