I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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