I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
