Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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