that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
