Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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