The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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