There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
