you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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