Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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