this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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