i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
