I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
