Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
