Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I don't think brook has ever known best
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
