Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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