I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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