i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize