shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize