Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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