the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
