Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
