A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
