I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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