I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
