i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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