I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
