You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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