We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
