Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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