it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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