so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
