Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
