i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
