Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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