I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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