Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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