Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
dude. I can hear the air.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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