i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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