trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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