This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
