Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
