and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
