my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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