when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
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