I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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