you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
