um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
