Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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