Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize