whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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