You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
