Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Randomize
