my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
