I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
