The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
