Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
